There are many creative ways people “do” relationships, and I am so here for it. I looooove a creative approach!

Generally, however, society offers mostly binary options for your relationship status when you are in a marriage or long-term partnership. You’re married or divorced, together or not.

Anyone who has ever been in a long-term relationship knows there are periods where things just feel shitty, off-kilter, and misaligned (as we therapists like to say). This is extremely normal.

Over time, people and their environments change. Sometimes these transitions can be painful, pushing people far apart from each other. This can signal that the relationship has reached its end.

OR – it can be a sign that the relationship needs some breathing room and/or support.

What is Intentional Separation? 

Because we don’t have many middle-ground options to choose from, some couples decide to divorce before they are really ready. Others stay paralyzed in unhappy, unhealthy relationships because they fear making the “wrong” decision.

I have repeatedly witnessed this relationship paralysis in my work as a couples therapist and learned a ton through my separation experience (yep, this therapist has experienced separation, too).

As a result, I developed a protocol called Intentional Separation.

Intentional Separation is a specific process in which the members of a couple (or other relationship configuration) mutually agree to a set period of separation—either in-house or in separate living spaces. It is not legally binding, but the partners agree, in good faith, to follow the terms of the agreement.

Typically, when separation happens, it is decided in a moment of utter frustration and done haphazardly. Someone leaves and couch surfs or gets a hotel for an undetermined amount of time with zero discussion of expectations, rules of engagement, co-parenting, finances, etc. This approach is rife with potential hurt, anger, and confusion.

Therefore, the key to the Intentional Separation process is the intentional part.

This process was also designed to normalize the option of taking a breather from a relationship when necessary.

Currently, the cultural narrative about Separation is that it is always the first step towards divorce. Why? We know, without question, that when we are swimming in a shit storm, it is impossible to see things clearly and make good decisions. We tell kids as young as two years old to pause and take a breath when they are overwhelmed or upset. Why wouldn’t we do the same before making a decision as important as ending a long-term relationship?

Intentional Separation offers options and a clear pathway for people who are stuck and want to find a way to move forward thoughtfully.

How does Intentional Separation Work? 

Together, with the help of a trained professional (therapist and/or attorney), the couple creates an agreement outlining the following:

• Living arrangements
• Co-parenting schedule/responsibilities
• Finances
• Communication
• Interpersonal relationships
• Dating
• Counseling
• Time frame
• Expectations for moving forward at the end of the separation period
• Any other issues specific to the relationship

The therapist or attorney serves as a guide through the process, helping the couple get very specific about the details of each category listed above and negotiate areas where there are disagreements.

In the end, everyone involved signs off on a document outlining the terms of the Separation and commits to adhering to it.

How do I know if Intentional Separation is a good fit for me/us? 

If you’ve reached a point in your relationship where resolution feels impossible and/, or the following are present, Intentional Separation might be a good next step:

• Ambivalence
• Polarization
• Stagnation
• Immobilization

However, Intentional Separation is not appropriate when the following are present:

• Active physical, mental, or financial abuse
• Active addictions (some caveats)
• Narcissism

I want to know more!

If Intentional Separation feels like a good fit for you, or you are just curious and want to know more, register here for our webinar on 8/26 @ 7:00 pm via Zoom. The event is free, but you must register to received the Zoom link. You can also sign up for our newsletter here or follow us on Instagram, Facebook, and LinkedIn to get the info hot of the presses!